My Mariiiiiiiiaaaaa!!!!

That is supposed to sound like Brooks and Dunn...haha--

To sum up today, well it has been one of lots of.....thinking. I am sitting at my desk listening to George Winston's album December. It reminds me of my mom's at Christmas. It is soothing...there are no sounds in the house and I still have a twinge of a headache.

The day was fine--basically sat at a computer from 9:30 this morning until 6:30 tonight, ran upstairs and wrote my mom an email, and then changed clothes with tears in my eyes and re-did my makeup. Maria came at 7 and we drove to the center of town and parked and walked to a cafe. We each got a cup of coffee and I basically told her everything I was feeling in the simplest words possible with lots of hand gestures. She is SO sweet and I am so glad we got to spend time together.

I explained to her how I felt like I didn't know if I made the right decision by coming, and that I felt trapped and was not sure how I would make things better. To fill you all in, Ursula is very strict. She is very generous and always wants to make me comfortable in the house, etc. but is also very clear about how I am supposed to clean up and do the dishes, whatever. Which is fineand I totally understand. The "work" part is the issue. The other girls that came here worked many less hours than me. They would work maybe 20 hours a week, while I am working 40.

I work everyday from 9:30 to 6:30 with an hour lunch break. The buses of Girona run every 15 minutes from very near the house, down to the center of town, or to the train station to Barcelona. I have yet to take it, but it is supposedly very safe and clean, and I have seen them--they are like nice buses...not what you are picturing I am sure. The problem is that they stop their service at 9:30 PM. Also, this time of year it gets dark at 5:30. Anyway, I could leave and take the bus to the town center when I got off work, but there would be no way for me to get home. And Maria basically said to me that for me to have a social life, I need to work less hours. So that maybe I would get off at 2pm and get to walk around, go read in a park, look at the buildings, shops, etc. while it is daylight and there are people out.

You also need to understand that the nightlife doesn't start here until at least 10PM. So, I don't know what to do. I have credit card bills to pay and am not afforded the luxury of only working 20 hours a week as the "college" girls did. It is so difficult to be first off living in someone else's home when you have had so much. I have had my own home and am older and need my space. And then to add the lack of transportation into the mix, it just makes for a precarious situation. She said that Ursula has a lack of empathy in that regard because she basically does whatever she wants to do, whenever she wants to do it.

It is so confusing because you have this picture painted in your mind about how something is going to be, and when it is not what you expected, you feel disappointed. I do think that attitude can make or break situations too, but I just don't know how I can make this one better. I don't know where my place is and I am feeling like I am being taken advantage of a bit. Or that she is going to try and take advantage of me. Maria said she was very surprised I was feeling this way...already...

They are supposed to have friends over this weekend for a barbecue, which would be fun, but I am like...GOD....get me out of this house!!!!! It would be so different living in a city where there was public transportation near by and I could come and go as I pleased. However that is FAR from the case. Maria thinks I need to talk with Ursula about everything--but I just need to figure out what it is I even want!!! haha

Thank you for all my emails and thoughts and prayers. I have learned, if anything, through all of this, that I love my friends. I love my social life and I love going places I know people. I thought I wanted anonymity, but I do not. It is so strange to be so removed from my own comfort zone. I did this because I felt stangnant in my life. I felt that I wasn't progressing and that there was "more to see". And maybe there is...maybe there is more for me here in this country. Only time will tell.

Each morning I get up and do my best to start the day as a new one. As a new beginning, and to not approach it with the burdens that I had yesterday. I know that not many people get to experience what I have experienced and live where I am living, so I try to be grateful for that. I was thinking today about if I moved back...what would happen. My mom emailed me and asked me where I would go. I said...Nashville for sure...I miss Nashville right now more than anything in the world, and if anything, this "jaunt" has definitely confirmed that. I have such wonderful friends and people that would do anything for me. The amount of emails I get a day from friends is amazing....now just 'cause I said that does NOT mean they should stop...haha--but I am so BLESSED to have the amount of friends that I do!!! I know I bitch about how I have LITERALLY been in 17 weddings (I will name them if you need me to), but I am so fortunate to have that!!!

So, that is where I am today. TODAY. Tomorrow I will probably be crying my eyes out again, but right NOW I am feeling fortunate. And like I want to go out downtown in cowboy boots, with a Bud Light in my hand and scream at the top of my lungs "you and me going fishin in the park!" HAHAHAHA

I love you all